Failing 

Failing 

I’ve been back from my glorious holiday for just over a week. For just over a week I’ve been promising myself I’m going to get my diet sorted. For just over a week I’ve been promising myself I’ll go for a run. For just over a week I’ve been pleading with myself to do something, go for a walk, tidy my shit away or just stop feeling so tired. The reality is I just can’t motivate myself to do anything apart from function and quite frankly I don’t know why.

I tried to talk myself into going for a run for at least 3 hours this morning and it didn’t happen and that fucking annoys me. Why couldn’t I have just pulled some clothes on and gone for a run? I spend my whole life making excuses and though I’m sick of it I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but where can I take a pill to bring me back to life? I feel I’m stuck between two sides of my body/brain; 1 urging me to do it all and achieve the world and the other just forcing me to sit on the sofa, drink a gin and eat another biscuit. All I want is that happy medium and I can’t seem to find it.

So this morning has been consumed of me feeling like a failure, feeling like I’m not good enough, feeling like I’m judged because of the above, feeling like if I can’t even go for a walk how the hell can I do anything? Should I get a nutritionist? Should I get a personal trainer? Would a gym buddy help? Or, once again am I using these as excuses why I’m not doing something, because I haven’t got said gym buddy, personal trainer, nutritionist? 

Sometimes I feel like a sassy pants and want to take on the world…. refer to sassy outfit shot on insty and I wish I could bottle that feeling and drink it daily. Those days I don’t care I’m curvy, I don’t care I have to go straight to the back of the rail to find my size and I’m okay that I’ve eaten a halloumi ciabatta with chips for lunch. But then for the other 92% of the time all I want, is to want to eat a salad for lunch and go for a HIIT workout for fun and lose the weight that so often brings me down. And the bottom line is I have made peace with the fact I’m never going to be skinny and hand on heart I don’t want that anymore, I just want to feel comfortable in myself and in my heart that means losing some pounds and feeling sassy everyday, not just 8% of the time.

I’m not unrealistic I’m happy to take baby steps but I can’t even seem to do that at the moment and boy I’ve just realised, it’s getting me down. I’m feeling a bit vulnerable putting my feelings out there like this, but maybe it’ll help…. maybe.

If anyone has got any motivational tips or self help tricks or self confidence boosts let me know, because I’m a sister in need right now. 

6 Comments

  1. Soul On Fire April 25, 2017 / 4:57 pm

    Love this foxy how open and honest you are, but love it even more because you are 💯 speaking my language right now. You know what, though? Us anxiety sistas will always have a majority of our time over-analysing every little feeling. We are also especially good at focusing on how we perceive we *should* be acting. The whole world is running, right? So, we should love running too, even if 99% of the time our bodies are probably screaming, “WTactualF are you doing to me right now?!” You know what, though, in 10% years time when half the world is having to go for knee replacement surgery, you’ll be sat drinking a G+T thinking, thank f@#k for that! Because that’s exactly what happened 30 years ago… Huge boom in running for fitness and 10 years later widespread issues with weak or damaged knees. All that aside though, I’m sure that this funk you’re feeling is hugely related to having been on a big adventure and now coming back down to earth with a bump and wanting to fix everything you perceive to be out of sync, like yesterday! I totally get that way too and I think the most important thing for you to hold onto is exactly how you started this post… Choose Happy… You are immeasurably loved by those around you, exactly the way you are right now. Your head might be telling you that’s not enough, that you’re not enough, but you absolutely are and once you feel more at peace with that, everything else will just flow. Keep doing you, miss sassy pants! 😘

    • Ashleigh April 25, 2017 / 6:24 pm

      What an inspirational comment, thank you so much for putting that smile back on my face and making me feel more human, because I can only try my best! 😘

  2. Maddy Johannes April 26, 2017 / 6:48 pm

    Very open and brave of you my lovely. I am the same… Unhappy with my size, but so undisciplined I can’t get my act together! We need to have a lunch ti discuss how we can support each other xx

    • Ashleigh April 26, 2017 / 6:51 pm

      Yes definitely….. a healthy lunch 😂

  3. Jessica Forrester April 30, 2017 / 6:02 pm

    I love this post because this is the internal battle I have when I comes to motivating myself to do pretty much anything – especially getting my ass into gear to just write blog posts.

    What I would say is that you don’t need to eat a salad to get your 8% sassy feeling a little higher. I say to all my friends that when you’re feeling rubbish, get all dressed up with nowhere to go! Pop on your fave dress or outfit, do your hair and you’ll feel so much better – even if it’s just for a dance party around the house 🙂

    http://Www.prettyemptypockets.wordpress.me

    • Ashleigh April 30, 2017 / 6:06 pm

      That sounds like a brilliant idea! Next time I’m feeling rubbish that’ll be my mission

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