I’ve been back from my glorious holiday for just over a week. For just over a week I’ve been promising myself I’m going to get my diet sorted. For just over a week I’ve been promising myself I’ll go for a run. For just over a week I’ve been pleading with myself to do something, go for a walk, tidy my shit away or just stop feeling so tired. The reality is I just can’t motivate myself to do anything apart from function and quite frankly I don’t know why.
I tried to talk myself into going for a run for at least 3 hours this morning and it didn’t happen and that fucking annoys me. Why couldn’t I have just pulled some clothes on and gone for a run? I spend my whole life making excuses and though I’m sick of it I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but where can I take a pill to bring me back to life? I feel I’m stuck between two sides of my body/brain; 1 urging me to do it all and achieve the world and the other just forcing me to sit on the sofa, drink a gin and eat another biscuit. All I want is that happy medium and I can’t seem to find it.
So this morning has been consumed of me feeling like a failure, feeling like I’m not good enough, feeling like I’m judged because of the above, feeling like if I can’t even go for a walk how the hell can I do anything? Should I get a nutritionist? Should I get a personal trainer? Would a gym buddy help? Or, once again am I using these as excuses why I’m not doing something, because I haven’t got said gym buddy, personal trainer, nutritionist?
Sometimes I feel like a sassy pants and want to take on the world…. refer to sassy outfit shot on insty and I wish I could bottle that feeling and drink it daily. Those days I don’t care I’m curvy, I don’t care I have to go straight to the back of the rail to find my size and I’m okay that I’ve eaten a halloumi ciabatta with chips for lunch. But then for the other 92% of the time all I want, is to want to eat a salad for lunch and go for a HIIT workout for fun and lose the weight that so often brings me down. And the bottom line is I have made peace with the fact I’m never going to be skinny and hand on heart I don’t want that anymore, I just want to feel comfortable in myself and in my heart that means losing some pounds and feeling sassy everyday, not just 8% of the time.
I’m not unrealistic I’m happy to take baby steps but I can’t even seem to do that at the moment and boy I’ve just realised, it’s getting me down. I’m feeling a bit vulnerable putting my feelings out there like this, but maybe it’ll help…. maybe.
If anyone has got any motivational tips or self help tricks or self confidence boosts let me know, because I’m a sister in need right now.