You can never really describe that crushing, unbearable, suffocating feeling of sadness unless you’re in it. I had a good weekend, I drunk cocktails and spent time with friends. I got out in the fresh air and I went for a run. I did everything I could do to not feel meh, but I woke up Sunday morning feeling sad. I had nightmares all night and once again woke up forgetting that everything was different to what I wanted and expected it to be.
For the past 3/4 months I’ve felt sad and upset often, but more than that I’ve felt numb, which is a really horrible feeling. I’ve looked at newborn babies and felt nothing, I’ve sometimes felt like an outsider in my own life, watched my friends laughing and joking and just sitting and watching like a spectator. I’ve felt prickly and spikey whenever my mum has spoken to me and have struggled to open up my arms to her and allow comfort or love. It is a really strange thing to try and describe but I suppose I could liken it to feeling completely emotionless.
I promised myself I would actually sort my bathroom out at the weekend, so I dragged myself to the business park in my trainers, scruffs, no make-up and a top knot and slouched around every single shop. Mainly to buy Zoflora, fairy up liquid and look at secret squirrel things, but also to try and take my mind off everything I didn’t want to be thinking about. I didn’t want to be wandering the shops, but also didn’t want to go home, I was in limbo.
I did manage to do the bathroom, but in true Ashleigh style spilt the whole bowl of dirty water that I’d used to clean the floor all over said clean floor. It went all over my phone and all over me and I stood in it for about 40 minutes just sobbing uncontrollably, so that was pretty cool.
I then proceeded to cry a few more times (I say around 7 times) I cried because the parents were on Love Island, I cried because I ate mac and cheese and I shouldn’t have done and I cried because I didn’t have any chocolate.
It is really hard, but sometimes you just have to ride the wave the best you can, try and do all those things to cheer you up and know one day you will wake up and the cloud will have lifted. I arranged a full week of seeing friends and come Wednesday morning I felt OK, it probably helped that I knew I had the rest of the week off work.
Here’s to more highs than there are lows and having the strength to overcome the lows.