The Alternative Valentines Day Gift Guide

The Alternative Valentines Day Gift Guide

As my least favourite month looms, so does shitty Valentine’s day. Let’s set the record straight I’m not being a sulky single Sally but February is cold and nothingy and it’s still dark all the bloody time. However, to spread some joy, this year I’m going to have a sassy Galentine’s day and don’t need a significant other, drinking gin and eating pizza alone is much more fun anyway.

I saw a tweet this week from @dailystruggleuk asking for suggestions for a valentines gift guide “14 things your girlfriend actually wants for Valentines day”. I started thinking about it and realised the things I actually want from a partner don’t involve gifts at all……

  • Buy me flowers approx every 3 weeks but always on random days. No one likes routine because we all know when the honeymoon period is over the next time you’ll see flowers is at your wedding (or your funeral).
  • Don’t be dick – It’s really not hard. Just be a nice person.
  • Let me watch my TV programs and don’t make me watch yours.
  • Actually call me when you say you’re going to call me.
  • understand I’m right even when I’m wrong.
  • A real orgasm that makes me shiver all over, so I don’t have to fake that shit.
  • Realise that even though I may proclaim I’m on a diet, If I want Chinese….. you let me have Chinese.
  • When I tell you to pick what we have for dinner/take-away, pick the one I want, not the one you want.
  • Don’t fall off the face of the earth on a night out and then turn up at some ungodly hour pretending you fell down a pothole/ your phone had no signal/ you were abducted by aliens. Whilst we’ve been laid awake all night worried sick.
  • Tell me I look nice even if I’m wearing that awful clashing outfit I know you hate more than your mother-in-law.
  • You will suggest we dress up in matching fancy dress outfits…. and actually enjoy it. One’s to tick off the list include harry potter characters and anything Lily and Marshall dress up as in How I met you mother.
  • A date night every so often.
  • An ability to actually change the toilet roll rather than leaving an empty roll in all its glory.
  • Don’t send sexy pics or flirty messages to my friends, or anyone else for that matter. And don’t even think about liking anyone else’s Instagram picture.
  • You to make it your mission to make my cuppa to perfection and we will take it in turns to bring it to one another in bed.

Not much to ask really is it? Anyone who fits the criteria feel free to apply on any form of social media……. I of course won’t respond because I’m scared of people, relationships and generally talking to anyone at all.

Ps. Big thanks to my gal pals and my Insty pals for adding some cracking ideas to this post, you da best.

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