Yes, you may read this title as Scroogeful (128% sure that’s not a word), but it is all in good jest my little eleves. Today I got seriously griped whilst trying to pick up my last few bits of Christmas shopping and it got me thinking about those annoying little things that happen in the ole festive season
As soon as mid December hits there is every car to ever be made, santa’s sleigh, 14 ice skaters and a tribe of turkeys congesting every single road you are planning to travel on for the rest of the month, however all is ok, because you’re doing your best Mariah Carey impression of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ whilst you sit in traffic.
The Chocolate Tub
Now you all know how passionate I am about food and with great passion becomes great grief. I have 3 moans about the wonderful chocolate selection tub **insert favourite here* 1. Wrappers in the box, what are you, a heathen? 2. why do the best ones always go first? Add more damn Maltersers, I beg you. 3. DO NOT LEAVE THE EMPTY BOX WITH THE LID ON, ON THE SIDE – because I will repeatedly go to take one and want to murder the world when I find out it is empty.
They are everywhere, which is fine, I can accept that – but don’t wait in a queue and then get to the front of said queue and not be ready, have your purse out hun, be armed with your car park ticket and coins, otherwise you’ll make me real mad.
I was gonna leave this one out because I love old people a lot – my parents are pretty old (well middle aged) and my grandparents are even older, but they do know how to piss you off over the christmas season. Incredible how they decide to go to the supermarket between 12-2 when us people who will probably never reach reitrement age are trying to nip to sainsburys on their lunch break for a turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich…. Don’t, just don’t.
This obviously is loosely related to the above point and is a serious issue in my life all year round, but slow walkers need to seriously get a grip. When you reach a point where you feel your soul has left your body and you start to weave in and out and waltz past them bevcause you’ve actually got so little time, so much to do (sung as the theme to the the Olsen twins TV show of the same name) they tut at you as if you’re the one in the wrong, nuh uh sister.
Will I have to pull the oh I love it face and bleat on about how much I love diamonte keyrings? Have I spent enough money? Will people actually like what I have bought them? who’s parent’s will we go to at what time and what is the schedule? Will my baking be nice? (probably not)
You reach a point in the sort of midway bit between Christmas and New Year where, dare I say it…. you get a bit fed up of all the carbs and gluttony and calories and crave something green. Although you manage to push through, avoid the feelings and bake yourself a nice camembert with a baguette to get back on track.
The Food Shop
Now, I am going to keep this short, although I’m pretty sure I could write a whole dissertation on this. If you are a last minute Linda (like me) you’ll have all these fancy ideas about baking cookies and sausage rolls and mine pies, although by the time you get to the supermarket, there’s one pack of shit sausagemeat and no sugar to be seen. You scrape togehter some baked goods, but remind yourself to be more organised next year **it never happens**.
In your head you’ve won the best wrapped present award for the last 14 years – although in reality the pain you’ve goe through to achieve this look was devastating. 82% of the time is spent trying to find the end of the sellotape, losing the scissors, losing the sellotape, finding the cellotape under the paper/presents/your arse, finding the cellotape under the paper/presents/your arse, cutting the paper too short, cutting the ribbon too short, running out of paper and ribbon and getting a bad back. All in all wrapping is basically a full time job and should come with a warning. Although when done, they do look pretty as a picture and when the compliments start rolling in, you feel like a smug little cat.
Retail Opening Hours
Now come guys, do we really need Morrisons, Boots or Topshop to open 7:30am on Boxing day? And don’t even get me started on Next. I feel so sorry for people working in retail who hardly get a Christmas because of this atrocity. I feel just as bad for the saddos who actually go shopping at this time, on Boxing Day. Have a lay in with your family, play with all your new toys, watch crap TV and have cheese for breakfast…. that’s how Boxing Day should be done.